Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
two words: eviction party
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
