I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
