Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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