I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
