Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
