totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
