And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
