he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
