if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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