thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
the liver wants what the liver wants
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
