My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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