You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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