Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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