I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
