Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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