I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
