Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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