A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
