I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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