Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
