Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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