Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
