She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
