Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
