yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
