I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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