At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
