Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
