Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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