maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
