you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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