all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
