You just made me feel so damn special
I wish I could teleport
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
