I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We are all done wearing pants today
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
