I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
