they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
