This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
