Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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