I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
