It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
