the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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