apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
