She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
