the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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