Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
