Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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