true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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