I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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