does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
