This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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