remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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