I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
