just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
