I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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